Santa Claus: the Movie

Back in the heyday of Mystery Science Theater 3000 (okay, not really, it's Mike, not Steve. Whatever), they did a movie called Santa Claus. We watched it tonight.

Excuse me, I'm a little emotionally scarred. Give me a moment.

This was Santa Claus. He is the creepiest Santa Claus I have ever seen. Santa Claus is creepy enough to begin with, if you think about him seriously. ("He sees you when you're sleeping"?) But this movie just took the mythos to a whole new level. Even the humorous commentary wasn't enough to save me from the horror of this film. IT WAS TERRIFYING.
I don't know where to start. The premise is that Santa Claus is real. Obviously. He lives on a floating island above the North Pole. In a magic castle. Okay, so far so good.
With a bunch of ethnic children that he uses as slaves toy makers, who wear traditional ethnic clothing, despite the fact that this movie was made in the 60's/70's. They also sing traditional songs in an epic cacophony that continues for a good ten minutes.
Even the non-Christian countries are represented at Santa's workshop, which is kind of weird at first but you later figure out that this whole movie is a crapload of Christian propaganda. And evidently ethnic American clothing is cowboy. And the Scandinavians were not mentioned at all, which is weird because they mentioned Indians (you know, the kind from India) who almost definitely do not celebrate Christmas because they are primarily Hindi. Moving on.
Also in Santa's lair are other devices for spying on children, taking the whole "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" song to a whole new level of creepy. I mean, it was creepy already. "He sees you when you're sleeping"? What, is he Big Brother or something? In this version...well, the answer is yes. He is Big Brother. Santa watches over spies on his slave-children with his magical organ (instrument, not tissue conglomerate) with a television screen. He also spies on normal children with some of freakiest machines possible. He has a large white machine with a face and a gaping, wet mouth that moves when it talks. Santa has an oscillating fan with an ear attached, to hear the children talk. SANTA HAS A TELESCOPING ROD WITH A LITTLE EYE ON IT.

It's like something from a horror film. If I saw this as a child, I wouldn't sleep for months. And months and months and months until I died of lack of sleep (a real condition, I believe). It is terrifying. And, of course, while Santa is busy spying on little children, the other little brainwashed children run around and help him in his totalitarian agenda.
OF COURSE. GET THEM WHILE THEY'RE YOUNG.
Anyway, onto the plot (pathetic and shriveled though it may be). On Earth, an interpretive dancing Satan (not to be confused with Santa) is hopping around and tempting children to evil in a thinly not veiled bit of Christian propaganda. (Hmm! I wonder if Santa is a metaphor for God!) Satan, he of the oily-complexion and very fake ears,

dances around various children (only from America and Mexico, for some reason) making surprisingly convincing arguments for stealing and attacking Santa, while still managing to be a total spaz and/or crack addict. (Mostly the latter).
Then, on Christmas, Santa descends to Earth with the help of his TERRIFYING ROBOT REINDEER THAT LOOK LIKE THEY WILL MURDER ME IN MY BED AND THEN GNAW ON MY EXTREMITIES AND/OR BRAIN.

I was honestly terrified when they showed up. I haven't had to cover my eyes during a movie since I was like eight, and this thing scared the crap out of me. CAN'T YOU SEE ITS SOULLESS EYES?!?!?! I am going to keep my eyes open all night.
Santa and Satan then enter into a bizarre series of fights in which they both act like total retards. For example: Satan (red guy) thinks it will be funny/detrimental to move a chimney so as to confuse Santa (jolly guy) and prevent him from entering the house. This is a stupid plan for obvious reasons, the most blatant of which is that the hole where the chimney was would still be in the roof. Lame, right?
Of course, Santa falls for it. And then escapes with the help of a very small umbrella.
WHAT.
In another scene, Santa (jolly guy) shoots Satan (red guy) in the ass with a toy ballistae.
WHAT.
We ended the movie where Santa gives the dumbass/awesome boys who tried to kidnap him lumps of coal, and Satan tricks all of the boys into beating the schnitzel out of each other in a really obvious Hell metaphor. Unable to take anymore of the abject, bone-chilling, sinking-pit-in-stomach-feeling horror, we ascended to bed, muttering incoherently and glancing behind us every few seconds. I don't know if we'll ever finish the movie. I'm not sure I want to. I think one evening of racism/political incorrectness/Christian propaganda/utter, terrifying creepiness was probably enough for a looooong time.
If I wake up screaming later, well, you know why.

Damn reindeer.
*shudder*